Common Denominators

You probably remember this term from elementary mathematics. It came up around the time you studied fractions in detail.  When asked to add 3/8 and 1/4, you learned to adjust the fractions so they had a common denominator (in other words, the same one). Once you did that, you were able to discern the total. Ta da.

So this is why hunting for the common denominator has become synonymous with sorting out what issues have in common. This is a double-edged sword because all of my problems have one thing in common no matter which problems we're talking about. Me. I'm always the common denominator.

My life has a recurring theme. People come into my life. I come to love them. I come to count on them. Then, poof! they're gone. Usually that exodus leaves me in a lurch of some sort. Almost always that exodus leaves me a sobbing, sodden mess. It hurts so much that long ago I looked for a common denominator to these painful leavings. Always, the only thing I could find was me.

While sobbing over the latest friend to inexplicably leave my life, I told another friend that I was tired of doing things that scared off people I love and that I wished they'd just tell me what it is that I've done so I could fix it. I can't fix something if I don't know what it is. My friend asked why on earth I should think there is something wrong with me. I told her that I was the common denominator and it turned into some strange conversation where I couldn't quite explain the thinking that got me there.

Honestly, though, this is not crazy talk. There has been once in my life when someone who was giving me the silent treatment actually decided to speak up and tell me she hated that I was always correcting her. I was able to apologize and make an effort to change it. (Cyndi, how I miss you.) She is just one of the many, many people who grew silent and sullen, then disappeared, leaving a giant hole I couldn't quite fill. (Well, in all honesty, Cyndi didn't leave. She did come back around to tell me to shape up. She never quite treated me as warmly though. At least she gave me a reason why.) Sometimes the people involved were even more important than friends. Family members have "dissed" me in favor of friends who eventually betrayed them. In the most painful of those moments, I eventually reasoned out that the friend delivered an ultimatum because we conflicted over something. This is hard for me to understand because if someone delivers an ultimatum to me, I'm contrary enough to bend the other way. "Never speak to Jane again or else we're through" will almost always earn a "bye-bye" from me as I hurry to hang with Jane.

What do I know about myself? I am sometimes abrasive. I don't mean to be but it is there. I've been called a know-it-all enough in my life to understand that knowledgeable is not desirable, unless expertise is specifically requested or unless you are a teammate in Trivial Pursuit. Helping your friends squash other friends in "You Don't Know Jack" is good. Correcting your buddy on his misuse of the word "ironic" is not good.

In my worst moments, I have a terrible temper. I'm only mean if I'm actually scared. Oddly, I can't point to a moment of mean leading to a friend leaving. That would be to easy.

Otherwise, I think I'm generally a decent person. I'm loyal. I'm loving. I don't gossip. I'm creative. I'm reliable. I'm pretty generous. I'm honest to a fault. If I say I'll be somewhere, I will. If some unforeseen act of God bars me from showing up, you will get a call with as much notice as I can possibly provide.

I'm a pretty good listener and I have a fantastic memory, which means that if you tell me that your nephew Joey keeps bugging you for money when you're barely making the rent, I will still know who Joey is a month later when you refer to him as the family sponge. But I won't refer to him that way if I meet him. I'll just help you keep an eye on the silver while he's in the building.

All in all, I think that makes me a pretty good person. So why does this issue keep popping up in my life? Why am I the only common denominator? What is it about me that makes people leave me so easily? And am I inflicting my unknown social failing on my unsuspecting children? Couldn't someone just fill me in?

I'm Missing Something

We've hit that time of year again. For us, the real money drain always starts about now -- shortly before Pumpkin's birthday. We've stretched out the tax refund as far as we could (it would have gone farther if not for the plumbing troubles that still aren't fixed) and something abruptly changes at Hubby's work (just like last year). For the curious, he's going to days, which means a lower hourly rate and his location has changed back to Irvine, which is a long drive. We looked at our budget and the new income less the cost of Hubby's commute, then we gasped and realized that it's going to be a struggle. Last October, we had the additional stress of an accident that added a car payment to the load and a dental bill that's crazy huge and must be paid in installments. If the settlement from that accident ever comes through things might get better. I'm afraid to hope.

So here's the thing. We don't buy alcohol: no beer, no wine, no wine coolers, no zima or whatever is the current craze. Neither of us smoke. We don't go out: no date night, no movies, no beer after work with the buds. We rarely eat out. I don't get manicures, pedicures, or even have my hair cut -- I cut it myself with sewing scissors. I also trim Hubby's hair and the boys' hair. We haven't taken a vacation in a very long time. We don't have the dog shaved or fluffed. Our car is washed in our driveway. House maintenance is done by us or just gets put off out of desperation. I don't even spend money on make-up, and Hubby and I use the same shampoo, soap and toothpaste. We do have some challenging diets that can be expensive. And I'm sure the $250 electric bill I just paid did not help any.  But there are plenty of people around us who make less and do all these things. How?

I don't get it. We carefully budget. We do what we can to pay our bills. We do have some credit card debt, but it's not nearly as bad as the national average. Our house payment here is less than at our old house, though I admit it would still make my mom's mouth drop open.  The car payment is $156 a month. That's really not awful, particularly when so many of the people I'm thinking about have car payments in the three-hundred range. What are we doing wrong? How do these people do all these things: go places, have vacations in cool places or have weekend barbecues with all their friends over? How do they afford to have their hair cut at $20 a pop or more? How? What am I missing?

I Swear They're Not Always This Loud

What is it about that last hour before bedtime that brings out the little monster in my children? My husband is a day sleeper, and we manage to spend the whole day here, home-schooling, playing, doing chores (or not doing chores) with a minimum of reminders. But in that last hour, after dinner, but before bed time routine, you’d swear I have ten children rather than two. And the older one is definitely the trouble maker.  They haul out the noisy toys (or toys I never imagined could be noisy toys), they bang things, they laugh and clomp down the hallway. Don’t get me wrong, I want there to be laughter in my house. I want them to experience joy and think back on times together that were absolutely wonderful. I’d prefer if those memories weren’t punctuated by constant time-outs and reminders to “KEEP IT DOWN” which always gets shouted, totally doing the opposite of what I want them to do. Damn it, if I didn’t shout, there’s no way they’d hear me through all the noise.